The Ledbury Distorter

Passport Photo

My passport is through.

I look like im from poland on the photo. I didnt even know you could look polish until my passport came through. I have a shaved head and look like a criminal.

That isnt racist by the way. Im not saying all polish people look like criminals, not at all. You can look like two things at the same time you know. Its the same as when you can look, say,  chinese, and at the same time look like a businessman.

So I look polish, AND look like a criminal. The good news is, I should get a free council house, free health care and all my bills paid for me. (that might be racist, Im not entirely sure. I wrote that joke for the Daily Mail, but even they found it "risque". Im going to send it back to them with the word "muslim" replacing polish. They'll soon send a check out.)

Speaking of checks, I'll soon be living among them in the Czech Republic (genius...)

Im going through a long application process with a top English School  at the moment. Tomorrow Ive got to record myself giving an English lesson about all the different animals there are, to some imaginary 10 year olds, while sat in my front room.

As you do.

Cookies

Browsing facebook today, I noticed that they show adverts on the side of the screen. Fair enough, I thought. But then I read it. "looking for a mattress? Click here!"

The thing is, I was looking for a mattress. About two weeks ago. So how did they know? I realised of course - Cookies.

But now it's got me worried.

About three weeks ago, my mate was looking to rent a van. So I searched online for a van. Also, around the same time, I was looking for a new mattress. Fine so far. But here's the rub: I also bought some duct tape to fix something until I can get a new one. And not only that, but about a week ago, I also looked online for a spade as my garden needed doing.

"So what's wrong with that?" I dont hear you ask, but assume you want to know anyway.

Well, think about it. What if, right now, someone went missing on my street? They check everywhere else, and finally get to me. They look at my computer, and see Ive recently been looking at hiring a van, buying a mattress, duct tape, and a spade.

This, along with my recent kindle purchases about serial killers, would surely raise alarmbells. My quite innocent explanations would fall on deaf ears, a Jury would find me guilty, and I'd become the plaything of "Big Dave" in C wing.

Theyd also see that I had clicked on a "gardening tool cleaning" website. Proof, they'd say, that Id clicked onto the website to have the spade cleaned professionaly to hide any DNA evidence - and not from the genuine expanation of my late night googling of "dirty hoes"

Melanie Chisholm

I thought crushes were something you had when you were 13.

You know, you'd pass them a note in a science lesson, give them awkward eye contact, and before you knew it you'd be going out, declaring your undying love for them.

Then you'd finger her at a house party, and she'd dump you the next day because you'd stupidly got caught high-fiving all your mates about it.

Then she'd go out with the popular asshole, who you hate, just to get back at you.

And then you'd end up broken-hearted, in a daze, outside, in your pants, in the rain, crying.

Let it go Kier, let it go...

Anyway, imagine my shock, at 28, for becoming completely obsessed with Mel C.

I didnt like her when she was in the spice girls. She was, let's be honest, a bit "ming." 

Yes, she had girl power. (Never understood that. Not exactly Xray vision or the ability to fly is it? "Look, i have a vagina! Well... good for you.") but wasnt the best looking out of them was she? She was the nicola roberts of her day.

(for any of you interested, my official order was Emma, Geri, Posh, Mel B, Mel C)

But man, how times have changed.

I just need to get her to a house party...

Microwave Meals

As the credit crunch hit, many UK companies that we knew and love went bust. Woolworths. Gone. Clinton cards. Gone. La Senza - although not a shop Ive ever shopped in, but did enjoy the window displays, admittedly - Gone. 

It was all a bit depressing.

But let's look at the bright side. There are certain group of companies that are thriving, and showing record profits. Like the ones who make microwave meals for example.

Now we all know the kind of people who eat these things. Sad, lonely, pathetic people. People who, If I drew a chart, would show a strong correlation between the sort of people that buy microwave meals, and the type of people who are likely to kill either themselves, their wives, or any number of the local prostitutes.

My freezer is full of them. (Microwave meals, not prostitutes)

Its not that I cant be bothered to cook. No. its more like my self esteem is so low that i feel i simply dont deserve tender loin or fresh brocolli. I am not worthy of fresh food. You are what you eat, they say, so I eat a grey, dismal mush that signifies my life of grey, dismal mush.

Another surprising industry that is showing record profits is the "adult" market. It seems while the economy crumbles around us, we're all at home crying into our ready meals and wanking. 

The credit crunch hasnt really affected me at all.