The Ledbury Distorter

Melanie Chisholm

I thought crushes were something you had when you were 13.

You know, you'd pass them a note in a science lesson, give them awkward eye contact, and before you knew it you'd be going out, declaring your undying love for them.

Then you'd finger her at a house party, and she'd dump you the next day because you'd stupidly got caught high-fiving all your mates about it.

Then she'd go out with the popular asshole, who you hate, just to get back at you.

And then you'd end up broken-hearted, in a daze, outside, in your pants, in the rain, crying.

Let it go Kier, let it go...

Anyway, imagine my shock, at 28, for becoming completely obsessed with Mel C.

I didnt like her when she was in the spice girls. She was, let's be honest, a bit "ming." 

Yes, she had girl power. (Never understood that. Not exactly Xray vision or the ability to fly is it? "Look, i have a vagina! Well... good for you.") but wasnt the best looking out of them was she? She was the nicola roberts of her day.

(for any of you interested, my official order was Emma, Geri, Posh, Mel B, Mel C)

But man, how times have changed.

I just need to get her to a house party...