Mr. Miller

Becoming a superhero is not an overnight task and the process takes time and effort. Many think becoming a superhero is as easy as getting sloshed with toxic chemicals, being born with some type of genetic mutation, or being related to some unheard-of god who decided to romance with a human; sorry Percy, that is just wrong! Just face it; nothing is that easy in the real world.

If you want to become a superhero there are a few descriptions that must fit your profile before you even consider taking the heroic leap: you must have a motivation to stop the local crime in your area, you must have plenty of free time in the evenings (sorry relationships), lastly you must be comfortable with form fitting costumes. We don’t need any self-conscious crusaders out there who are afraid to show themselves in the public in fear of someone laughing at what they look like in tights; seriously people this is not a joke. If you fit those profiles, then you too can follow these steps to become a superhero!

Let’s face it, Superpowers are AWESOME but not everyone has one, which is okay (yes there is still hope for you weaklings)! For those who have superpowers, you are all in a prime position to start fighting crime and for the people who are starting from scratch need to do a little soul searching because to be able to defeat supervillains, you need some kick-ass power. For example, some people are just really good at fighting, so ask Jackie Chan to train you in Martial Arts and you’ll become an ultimate force!

All right lames who don’t have superpowers, there is still hope for you! Look at Batman, he pretty much sucks when compared to Superman, but Bruce Wayne is $$$LOADED$$$ with money (seriously, Bill Gates looks like a chump beside Bruce Wayne). If you are going to be a Superhero without any special powers, it is good to have deep pockets and a large bank account. With money, you’ll be able to provide the necessary resources for yourself to stack-up against the competition. So ladies and gentlemen, start playing the lottery!

Future superheroes of America, you must train your butts off!  We expect you to look JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME-GOOD! Lose the flab, do some P90X. It’s like I stated earlier, you must feel good in tights; we don’t need any Shy-Shelby’s out there!

Being a superhero, you need to keep a secret identity from those creepers out there. Supervillians like to profile their competition, and they gain the upper-hand by finding out who your friends and family are by looking at your profile; DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Try to make sure you don’t add anyone who you don’t know either because they could be imposters. 

Sorry, Mopeds and bicycles are not allowed; you must have a dope ride homie. Your vehicle is a big attention getter, and with cool additions and upgrades it can be an awesome crime-fighting machine as well! There are many directions you can go here with your ride: you can build it for speed, to withstand bullets, to go under water, to fly, etc. WARNING: don’t pull a Wonder Woman and think you have an Invisible Plane… Seriously, do I need to explain why?

It is suggested to have a sidekick in today’s crime fighting because situations do get a little hairy. When I say sidekick, I don’t mean your pets people. We don’t need your little pooch chasing heavily armed men; it just looks bad. Now say if you have a sabretooth tiger, they are cool but they are extinct, sorry about your luck. Get out and meet some people, find yourself a Robin.

 Make sure you also have a wide selection of enemies and supervillians. This is vital to becoming a superhero; there are no superheroes without supervilains! It is never fun just to fight the same villain over and over again. You want to treat your villains like a box of chocolates and not knowing what you’re going to get when you bite into the chocolaty delight; who doesn’t like surprises (deep down you know you all do)?

A lot of people believe it is the costume that makes the superhero, and I tend to agree with those people. Future superheroes of America, you must be up to date with the trends in fashion. Do not pull a Quailman and wear your tighty-whities on the outside of your shorts; seriously Doug Funnie, what were you thinking? Have a costume that fits your identity and superpower and don’t be afraid to have some fun with it. 

This is the last step folks, generate a cool name that fits you; make it unique. There are lots of possibilities here. Make sure you are aware of copyrighted names; that is never fun.